Done at One :)

Wow what a day!! James threw so many tantrums in the mall. Shawn and I just wanted to get out and check out the area but I guess James didn't :). It frustrates me to no end listening to him scream at the mall and cry. I took him to the bathroom but it did no good. I just don't get it. It's not like he doesn't get to do fun stuff...I just like to get out too and not feel under pressure from a 1 1/2 year old. WOW!!! Part of me feels I have lost who I am except being a mommy. I love James and love staying home but I struggle as what to do...guilty if I return to work, guilted if I stay home. SAHM just sometimes get lost in the daily routine. Yes I volunteer and do stuff but it is very time limited with only 8 hours away from James total due to MMO (LIVESAVER)!! I honestly think I am done at one child. I am torn b/c some days I want to give James a sibling but then reality hits and having 2 kids I really would be stuck in my house with very little help weighing 500 lbs :). I'm lucky now to get to the gym or run some days.

People always ask about when are we having a 2nd....i feel guilted b/c I know that probably isnt gonna happen. Not that I don't love kids, just it's hard!! Doing Social Work I used to tell parents how to parent although i wasn't one, now i have a new respect for some of them. Not condoning child abuse AT ALL I just see how unique each child is and how somethings migh not work and when you have no support like many of my clients it is difficult. My best friend is pregnant with her 3rd and I admire her so much. She is so level headed and a good Christian woman. But it is a PERSONAL decision so I dont' think anyone can judge until they have walked in my shoes. Army life is very hard. I don't have Maw Maw to carry James to if I want to run to get nails done, grocery shopping or just a nap. Right now I have Shawn when he is here but that isn't a guarantee. I raised James the first 15 months alone and am very proud at what I accomplished but was difficult. Army life is great and I feel I grow with each move but it is hard. Hard adjusting to new areas, new homes, new people, etc. I am very proud of what my husband does for a living but unless you have gone thru it don't judge. Stop asking about another baby, if it is God's will then it will happen regardless my thoughts or wants right now. Emotionally and physically I am spent with one!! Hopefully these terrible 2's will pass soon and the sweet boy will shine through again....as said earlier..he wuvs a momma!! He even told us today he was ugly and grouchy!!! HEHEHE...